so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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