I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
