apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
