Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
