I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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