I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
