this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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