this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
