just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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