Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
