I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
