I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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