I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
