...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
