my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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