She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
