well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
