My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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