took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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