I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
