You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
