saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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