God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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