My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
