That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
