he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
