oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
