Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
