There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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