if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
