the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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