Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
