he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
