a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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