Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
