the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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