I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
