hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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