Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
