You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
