I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
