Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
