Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
