I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
