i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
