We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
