Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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