Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
