Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
