He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
