theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
