I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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