I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The uberlube is also flammable
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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