If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
