How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
