i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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