my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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