1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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