I wish I could teleport
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
