I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
