what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
